Ten “Alternative Protein” Recipes for Project 2025

Note: This platform was actually rejected by the Heritage Foundation to be a part of Project 2025 for being “too radical” and for mentioning “climate change.”

WARNING: DO NOT EAT PEOPLE (AS LONG AS THERE ARE LAWS). DO NOT ATTEMPT THESE RECIPES WHILE SOCIETY STILL EXISTS. WAIT PATIENTLY FOR ANARCHY LIKE THE REST OF US.

Cannibalism, like psychedelics and racism, is making a comeback in the 2020s. With meat shortages, supply-chain disruptions and historic world hunger; it’s only a matter of time before people start eating people again. 

The future is bright for those with sharp teeth. 

I committed myself to weeks of strenuous research to compile these 10 recipes in the event cannibalism is decriminalized (probably in 2032, by Democrats) or the rule of law is overthrown and society collapses (probably in 2025, by Republicans). 

In a world where every meal counts, we can’t afford to not be forward-thinking.

Human meat is a good source of vitamins and minerals, and the most-environmentally friendly animal protein. Also, human populations are steadily rising, and I’ve been assured by many experts who would never allow themselves to be named here that humanity is not in danger of depletion from overhunting, making human meat one of the last truly ethical sources of protein for the Paleo diet.

If you’re not a vegetarian, you owe it to yourself and to the planet to incorporate these recipes into your daily life, or to inspire your friends and family with your own “Long-Pork” creations.

So, without further ado, allow me to present the recipes that will shape the 2020s.

10. Sierra Nevada Oysters

Ethically sourced from men’s church choirs from Canada to rural Mexico, these savory beauties are all butter. Guaranteed to lift the spirits of even the most nutritionally deprived, this extremely simple 21st century spin on a Great Depression classic is something the whole family will love.

INGREDIENTS:

3 tbsp of cumin

4 lbs of “Men’s Oysters”

1 tbsp of curry

1 cup of flour

6 tbsp of oil

2 tbsp of garlic powder

3 tbsp of salt

5 tbsp of cayenne pepper

Mix spices in a bowl. Coat “oysters” in flour and spices by hand until coating is thickly applied and all spices are used. Fry in a pan with oil until crispy. Season to taste.

9. Child Chutney

A modern spin on an Indian classic, and great for hard times, child chutney is a masterpiece. Perfect for the family with multiple offspring, child chutney is the perfect wine and beer pairing for the discerning palate. If parents give their kids the evil-eye today, just wait until they’re hungry. Once the tenderloins are harvested don’t let the rest of the meat go to waste! You can make this recipe with any cut of under-age “long-pork.” One child can last all month! Guaranteed or your barter back! The only question is: Which kid will you choose? Start counting those referrals! You’ll never get another bad call from school again! 

Note: Each child born in the U.S. today adds 9,441 tons of carbon to their parents’ ecological footprint, and every child eaten takes that carbon out of the equation in the battle to preserve a healthy planet for future generations. We hope this recipe offers protein-starved parents a way to get the nutrients they need with dignity and a clean conscience.

INGREDIENTS:

2 tbsp ground cinnamon

2 tbsp chili powder

2 tbsp ground cumin

2 tbsp fennel seeds

2 tbsp paprika

2 tbsp freshly ground black pepper

2 tbsp kosher salt

2 child/tween tenderloins (1 “package” contains 2 loins)

Olive oil, for searing

Mango Chutney, for serving, recipe follows:

1 finely chopped yellow onion

4 minced garlic cloves

¼  cup red wine vinegar

¼  cup granulated sugar

2 tbsp ground ginger

¼  tsp ground allspice

1 tbsp fennel seeds

1 tsp chile flakes

Pinch of ground clove

One 6 oz bag dried mango (see Cook's Note)

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

Preheat the oven to 350º F. In a medium bowl, combine the cinnamon, chili, cumin, fennel, paprika, pepper and salt. Rub each child loin generously with the seasoning blend. Let the “long-pork” sit 20 to 30 minutes at room temperature. Preheat a large, oven-proof saute pan over medium-high heat. Once hot, add enough oil to coat the bottom of the pan. Place the child tenderloins in the pan and sear the “long-pork” on all sides until golden brown, 3 to 4 minutes per side. Place the seared “long-pork” into the oven and cook until an instant-read thermometer reads 155 to 160º F, 20 to 30 minutes. Remove the tenderloins from the oven, place them on a plate or cutting board, tent with foil and allow the meat to rest 10 minutes. Then cut the loins into 1-inch thick slices.

Mango Chutney:

In a medium saucepan, add the onions, garlic, ½ to ¾ cup water, vinegar, sugar, ginger, allspice, fennel, chile and cloves. Bring the mixture to a boil. Add the cranberries to the pot and reduce the heat to a simmer. Cook the mixture until the cranberries have reconstituted and start softening and breaking down. If too much liquid evaporates, just add more water and keep cooking until you achieve the desired consistency. The chutney should be on the firmer/chunkier side of a jelly. Once the chutney is cooked, season with salt and pepper. Then, amply pour the mango chutney over the sliced child loins. And voila! Child chutney is served!

Cook’s Note: 

Though we prefer mango, any dried fruit can be used. And, though we don’t recommend it, in the event of a child shortage, “long-pork” can be swapped for regular pork, or even some vegan “I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Pork” product.

8. Your Neighbor’s Pancreas

¼ pound human pancreas

½ cup of sliced mushrooms

2 tbsp of butter

½ cup of heavy cream

¼ cup of red wine

Lemon juice/vinegar (optional)

Salt and black pepper to taste 

The sweetest bread you’ve ever tasted! A light start to what is sure to be a long decline. Perfect appetizer for an end of the world watch-party.  An ideal pairing with Hennessy and 21st Century beats, this dish gets right to the heart of the times while just missing it by a few inches. Your neighbor was always threatening those noise complaints anyway. They're in a better place now: your stomach!

Soak pancreas in ice-cold water for about 12 hours, changing the water regularly, until the water stays clear. Place pancreas in a pot covered with cold water, optional to add lemon juice or vinegar. Bring to boil and let simmer for a few minutes. Then, quickly cool in iced cold water. Trim down and peel the membrane off of the pancreas. Cut pancreas into medium slices. In a saucepan, saute sliced mushrooms in butter. Add cream, red wine, and pepper. Add pancreas. Serve with warm baguette and butter.

7. Junkie Jerky

Sourced from your local mummified neighborhood drug-fiend in the depths of overdose. Very common in both urban and rural post-apocalyptic locations. This one is already an American classic since the Great Recession! Blast-off your taste buds on a kaleidoscopic journey with Jimi and his friends. Though diseases are frequent with this recipe, so what? You want to live forever? Don’t let your neighborhood vagabond go to waste! Salt to taste.

INGREDIENTS:

1 lb ethically-sourced junkie tenderloin

¾ cup beef broth

1 tbsp red wine vinegar

1 tsp sea salt

1 tsp garlic powder

1 tsp freshly ground black pepper

½ tsp smoked paprika

½ tsp fennel seeds

1 whole anise seed

1 tsp red pepper flakes

2 tsp powdered sugar

½ tsp chopped cayenne pepper

¼ tsp curing salt (optional)

Trim all visible fat from the junkie-flesh and place in the freezer for an hour or two to partially freeze. While the meat is in the freezer, combine marinade ingredients in a bowl or ziplock bag. Remove the meat from the freezer and slice ¼" strips against the grain for an easy chew. Cut with the grain for a more chewy jerky. Add sliced “long-pork” to the mixture in the ziplock bag or bowl and marinate for 6–24 hours in the refrigerator. After the meat has finished marinating, remove from the refrigerator and strain excess marinade in a colander and pat dry with paper towels. Place strips on a cooling rack atop a baking sheet and 'cook' in the oven for 22 minutes at 350º F or until the internal temperature of the strips reaches 165º F. Remove from the oven. Continue to dry. We recommend using a food dehydrator for 5 hours at 145º F. 

The jerky is finished when it bends and cracks, but does not break in half. White fibers will also be seen when the jerky is bent.

6. Type II Diabetic Pâté

Gotta flatten the curve! If we don’t get ’em, COVID-19 will! Ethically sourced from perfectly legal contracts with nursing homes in all 50 states, including Puerto Rico and Guam, this modern mutton is sure to tingle your taste buds and end social distancing as soon as possible! What better way to send out Grandma than with that family dinner she always wanted? Serve on water crackers.

INGREDIENTS:

1 lb of diabetic liver 

1 small onion, well-trimmed

2 garlic cloves, mashed and peeled 

2 bay leaves

½ teaspoon thyme leaves 

Kosher salt (as needed)

1 cup water 

3 sticks unsalted butter

4 tsp Cognac or Scotch whiskey 

Freshly ground pepper (as needed) 

In a medium saucepan, combine the diabetic liver, onion, garlic, bay leaf, thyme and ½ teaspoon of salt. Add the water and bring to a simmer. Cover, reduce the heat to low and cook, stirring occasionally, until the liver is barely pink inside, about 3 minutes. Remove from the heat and let stand, covered, for 5 minutes. Discard the bay leaf. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the liver, onion and garlic to a food processor; process until coarsely pureed. With the machine on, add the butter, 2 tablespoons at a time, until incorporated. Add the Cognac/Whiskey, season with salt and pepper and process until completely smooth. Scrape the pâté into 2 or 3 large ramekins. Press a piece of plastic wrap directly onto the surface of the pâté and refrigerate until firm. Serve chilled.

The pâté can be covered with a thin layer of melted butter, then wrapped in plastic and refrigerated for up to 1 week or frozen for up to 2 months.

5. Wildblood Gutterwine

The brave chemist and psychonaut who wrote this recipe down on a roll of toilet paper in the world’s first “gutterwine-induced” frenzy before puking up blood and asphyxiating on the floor, woke up the next morning in Valhalla with a “Mama Tried” tattoo and no memory of the circumstances. Or at least that’s what I’d like to believe.

Though satanic, sadistic, unnecessary and not exactly a critical part of the “Brave New World Diet,” no one wants to survive sober. I mean, after you eat your neighbor’s pancreas or make your kid into chutney, where do you go? Where everything in this helly-hellscape eventually goes: the bottom of the barrel. 

I think we’re there now.

INGREDIENTS:

1 55-gallon drum (no bullet holes)

45 gallons of ethanol (clear with a high ABV preferred, but any alcohol-containing liquid will do)

4–6 gallons of human blood (average human body’s worth, preferably intoxicated)

10–50 ml of xylene (active ingredient in spray paint)

4 oz of corpse-compost psilocybin mushrooms (strong enough to wake the spirits)

20–100 g of corpse-compost “CannaLard” (strong enough to make the spirits pass out on the couch)

500 ml of opium tincture (sourced naturally or extracted from pharmaceuticals via alcohol)

10 g of methamphetamine (probably the easiest ingredient to locate in “post-apocalyptia”)

1 L of filtered Jimson Weed tea (use seeds)

1 L of diethyl ether (at this point, don’t ask about purity)

Freshly cleaned human skulls (be sure to get the stains out)

Pour 45 gallons of ethanol or ethanol-containing solutions into a 55-gallon drum. Stir in a whole human’s worth of blood (usually 4-6 gallons). Pour 1 liter of filtered Jimson Weed tea into the mix. Stir in 20–100 grams of “CannaLard” (Cannabis-infused human fat) until it dissolves completely. Add 500 milliliters of opium tincture. Throw in 1 liter diethyl ether (maybe give yourself a huff from the towel first). Add as much methamphetamine as you feel comfortable with (we recommend starting at 10 grams). Grind 4 ounces of psilocybin mushrooms to powder and sprinkle in gently. THE SPECIAL INGREDIENT IS LOVE. Continue to stir mixture occasionally for 10–15 minutes. Add Xylene to taste. 

Serve in human skulls, freshly cleaved and cleaned.

4. Starvation Stew

Another classic from the minds that brought you “Type II diabetic pâté,” this hearty stew is sure to tingle your taste buds and raise the hairs on the back of your neck as your body copes with the sudden rush of vitamins seeping back into your starving cells.

One step above eating a person raw, and not designed to taste good or look pretty, this recipe is good in a pinch. It may just save your life someday in the future wasteland that no longer abides by arcane practices such as “laws.” 

INGREDIENTS:

1 human heart 

3 packets of Emergen-C or some other scavenged supplement

Bone marrow (as much as you can harvest before your shaking fingers give out)

3 lb human fat

1 qt human blood

The heart is a unique ingredient to cook. It is a working muscle and should be prepared in 1 of 2 ways: very slowly for a long period of time, which will help break down the toughness of the meat, or, as it is here, very quickly to serve medium rare thereby retaining its natural nutrients and moisture.

Cut the heart into large cubes. In a frying pan, render down fat until it’s an oily liquid at a medium simmer. Once oil starts jumping out of the pan, add heart cubes and blood. Bring mix to a boil. Once boiling turn down heat to a low simmer. Add bone marrow. Cook for 5 more minutes. Once cooking is complete stir in vitamins. Eat this quickly before you keel over or it coagulates. You probably won’t have any salt. Once color returns to your cheeks, consider using leftovers for other recipes listed here. You can’t be wasteful in the wasteland. 

3. El Cubano

Inspired by failed communist governments everywhere, this popular Havana classic pairs well with bringing starvation to the people. You can usually find bread, but where are you going to get good ham in this economy? Hmmmm...your neighbor sure looks healthy…pretty sure he believes in a different system of government than you…might be fair game.

INGREDIENTS:

2 tbsp of mayonnaise

2 tbsp of Dijon mustard

1 large wide loaf French bread, cut in half then halved lengthwise 

6 slices Swiss cheese

6–8 slices deli-style human ham (Salty, not too sweet)

5–6 oz thinly sliced “long-pork” (roast, chop or pulled)

Pickles (add to taste and texture)

1 tsp of garlic

4 tbsp of softened butter

Spread mayo and mustard inside the bread slices. Brown the 4 tablespoons of softened butter with garlic in a pan large enough to grill both sandwiches at once (a panini-maker would be fabulous). Add the cheese on one of the bread slices and the pre-cooked “long-pork” on the other. Next, put human ham on top of the pork and pickles on top of the cheese. Grill until golden brown. If cooking in a pan, make sure to flip.

2. Long-Pork’n Beans

A wasteland classic! What better way to pay homage to “The Road?” Around the office we call this one “The Cormac McCarthy.” It’s not post-apocalypse until you spill blood on the altar of anarchy for a side of beans with people bits mixed in. 

Assorted human (preferably fresh muscle parts)

1 scavenged can of baked beans

Salt and pepper

Open a can of baked beans and pour into a pot. Bring to a simmer on the campfire. Throw in your “personal potpourri.” Add salt and pepper to taste.

1. Stuffed Road Roast (Recipe courtesy of Fernquest Fantasies, LLC “Dehumanize it, Man!”)

Bikers gotta eat, too. When the pickin’s get thin on the wasted highways of 2027, strangers gon’ start lookin’ tasty. Here’s a classic that hasn’t even been invented yet.

1 100–200 lb stranger

10 lbs edible weeds

10 lbs potatoes

10–15 tires

Field dress naked stranger and stuff its holes with “weeds ’n’ taters.” Pile tires high and light on fire; lay stranger on top. Cook til crisp on outside, steamin’ on inside. Sauce to taste. Feeds motorcycle gang of six for a week.

CONCLUSION:

To make a long story short, if you order pork in 2025, know what you’re getting yourself into. Take it from me, there’s not a whole lot of difference between a slice of human flesh and a slice of BBQ pork. Don’t be so trusting of that mushu! That pulled-pork sandwich was delicious, but do you really know what’s in it? President Trump has deregulated the meat industry so much that when it comes time for them to make the switch, only Human Rights Watch will probably notice.

PETA will probably just be happy to stand back and say, “I told you so.”

I, for one, am pro-human.

*IT’S SATIRE, STUPID*