Amor Fati

You know people love to waste time regretting things that made them who they are today. Every night they go through the little moments in their head of every mistake they’ve ever made, as if they’d do differently if they had the chance to do it again, as if they’d know to do better without the lessons of the loss. In reality, every small moment of your life, every coincidence, every turn of fate, is responsible for everything that happens in your life: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Every experience is who we are.

To regret any one of them, is to regret being yourself.

And so I’m glad my mother had Huntington’s Disease! And I’m glad I have it! Because I am grateful to God and the cosmos for the person I am! And for becoming the person I dreamed of, I would have Huntington’s a hundred times more! I would bear the abuse and death of my mother again and again, until the end of time, just to be able to savor those sweet moments of manic bliss for which there are no words!

Like hearing an unexpected saxophone play its last lonely note on a lonely street reminding me that all my life was worth it just to suffer so sweetly in this moment! Like the melancholy melody of a violin in a starving Slavic village, transcending the gray! Like a thousand hearts beating as one under the summer sun as electric symphonies absolve all sin and rock them to their f*cking souls! Like the view to be had from the top of the mountain! Like sharing a moment with that beautiful Mother of the Earth. Like feeling oneness with creation! Like stepping foot in La Plaza de Los Toros, the earth-shattering roar of the crowd welcoming back their conquering heroes!

Or maybe it’s just whispering, “I love you,” to the moon.

Who could harbor hard feelings after that? What shallow creature would not feel their cells quake with the joy of existence, with immense gratitude for whoever or whatever has created them?

Those who do not understand have not lived! If there has never been a moment in your life so transcendent, so vivacious, so primordial, so full of soul; that you would not bear a thousand lashes just to experience it again, then my friends you have not lived! If there is not a moment in your life that you would bear all the trials and tragedies again and again for, then I beg and plead and preach to you:

Go forth! Live wild! Put your ships in many storms, so that you sorry sailors may find a story worth living for! Wander until you are lost! Dream until it drives you crazy! Love until your heart breaks! Create until your fingers bleed! Savor the sun until it sets! Never lose that FEELING. Never lose that LOVE. Never lose the Grace of God. Never forget to honor the spirits. Never say sorry and always say thank you.

Live every moment to the fullest and express your gratitude for all of it!

May we all find a moment that was worth all the pain in existence! Pain is weakness leaving the body, and there is no greater weakness than refusing to love and be loved. I pity the people who have never suffered, suffered deeply, for they have never loved and never lived. Their lives are meaningless. Empty pleasure without purpose or pain is God’s true punishment to humankind.

Light must bend for a rainbow to be born.